In the Arcade and Metal Odyssey
February 23, 2011, 7pm PST
Lance Donaldson and Brian Millman have just arrived at the New Galleria Mall. Brian is driving.
Brian: Why did we have to take my car?
Lance: It’s your parents’ car.
Brian: Why did we have to take my parents’ car?
Lance: Because your curfew’s two hours later than mine.
Brian: How does that help us? You still have to be home two hours earlier.
Lance: My parents made an exception, since I’m not using their car.
Brian: Great.
Lance: Chill out. It’s not like we’re going drag racing.
Brian: And why did we have to dress up? [Looks down at his aquamarine Lacoste shirt]
Lance: A polo shirt and khakis is “dressed up”?
Brian: We’re just going to the arcade.
Lance: There might be girls there.
Brian: Since when do you care about that?
Lance: Since the celebration ball, last semester. Remember what Marissa said? That she’d go out with me, if she wasn’t dating Tim?
Brian: Has it occurred to you that she was just being nice?
Lance: [Coolly] Marissa wouldn’t lie about something like that. She’s not that kind of person.
Brian: And how would you know what kind of person Marissa Preston is?
Lance: Just a feeling, man. [Checks his hair in the mirror. Primps it.]
Brian: What are you doing?
Lance: Just making sure the look is happening.
Brian: You have a look?
Lance: Are we going in or what?
Brian: I guess. All these expectations are throwing me a little.
Lance: Relax. You’re not going on Love Connection.
Brian: [Suspiciously] Are you drunk?
Lance: [Cracking up] What?!
Brian: I don’t know. You seem smoother, somehow.
Lance: Watching Mitch make it to the top of the social ladder has definitely bolstered me a little.
Brian: A little? It’s like a whole new Lance.
Lance: Just embrace the cool, man.
The two boys get out of the car and make their way to the Mall entrance. Once inside, they find that it is packed with teenagers.
Brian: There are a lot of girls here.
Lance: That’s a good thing, isn’t it?
Brian: I don’t know if I can do this.
Lance: You’ve been to the arcade a gazillion times.
Brian: Yeah, but not at night.
Lance: That’s what’s bothering you? That it’s night?
Brian: There aren’t this many cool people here during the day.
Lance and Brian reach the arcade, which is even more packed than the rest of the Mall. They stop at the change machine to get quarters.
Brian: So, what do you want to play first?
Lance: [Points] Defender’s open.
The boys commandeer the Defender machine, placing several stacks of quarters on the cabinet, and begin playing.
Brian: Watch the master. I made it to the fifth wave last week.
Lance: [Looking around the arcade] Cool.
Brian: [Jerks the joystick up and pounds the “Fire” button] Aw, crap. Died. Your turn.
Lance takes the controls but dies almost immediately.
Brian: [Takes back the controls] Your head’s not in the game. [Notices Lance looking around] What are you looking at?
Lance: Just checking out the scene.
Brian: We’re in the arcade, Lance. There is no “scene.”
Lance: [Gesturing at the entrance] I’d call that a scene.
Two somewhat nerdy girls have entered the arcade. They are both wearing jeans and Capezios, with matching oversized “Choose Life” t-shirts and are quite pretty. Lance makes eye contact and tilts his head.
Brian: [Grabs his arm] What are you doing?!
Lance: Trying to get those two girls to come over here.
Brian: Why?!
Lance: You’re in Miss Furst’s Human Sexuality class. Figure it out.
Brian: I took it as an elective.
Lance: You could’ve taken shop.
Brian: I was afraid the greasers would beat me up.
Lance: [Points at the screen] Better watch out, you’re about to…
Brian pulls up violently on the joystick but dies anyway. Turns to Lance, his mouth open to complain, only to see that the two girls are standing next to them.
Brian: Ahhh…
Girl No. 1: Yes?
Brian: I…
Girl No. 1: You were about to say something?
Brian: Yeah, no…you see, he…
Lance: [Leans in front of him and extends his hand] I’m Lance.
Girl No. 1: [Shakes it] Colleen. Carter. [Gestures at the girl next to her] This is Danielle.
Danielle: [Steps forward and shakes Lance’s hand] Danielle Richstone.
Lance: Nice to meet you! This is…[looks around for Brian, who has disappeared behind the Defender machine]…Brian.
Danielle: [Stretching her neck to look around the corner of the game cabinet] Nice to meet you, Brian. Everything all right back there?
Brian: [Making a show of checking the power cables] Oh, yeah, just making sure. It’s been playing a little funny.
Lance: I’m sure it’s fine.
Brian comes back around, reluctantly. He seems to have shrunk several inches.
Brian: Brian.
Colleen: Yes, we got that.
Brian: Millman.
Colleen: [Puts her hand out] Nice to meet you Brian Millman.
Brian: [Looks at her hand like it’s a cobra. Shakes it] Nice to, uh, meet you too.
Danielle: So, what’re you guys doing?
Brian: Ahhh…
Lance: Nothing much. Chillin’. Playing some games.
Danielle: Cool. [Examines them for a moment] You two look nice.
Brian shoots Lance a murderous look.
Colleen: You guys go to New Ridgemont High?
Lance: [Laughs and lifts up a penny-loafered foot] Hard to hide it, huh? How about you two?
Danielle: We go to Stevens.
Brian: [Looking them up and down quizzically] So, why…?
Colleen: The 80s clothes? Seemed like the thing to do. The whole town’s gone retro. We felt kind of stupid walking around in our usual gear.
Danielle: I kinda’ like it, anyway. Even a flat-chested girl like me can look good in one of these giant t-shirts.
Brian gulps, his face turning several shades of purple.
Lance: You girls wanna’ play with us? We can do teams.
Brian: Yeah. I mean…you don’t have to, if you don’t want to…
Colleen: We’d love to play with you.
Brian: You would?
Danielle: [To Lance] Your friend’s funny.
Lance: [Dryly] He’s the comedian in our group.
Danielle: And cute.
Brian turns several more shades of purple.
Danielle laughs and takes Brian’s arm. Lance puts two quarters in the machine and the four begin to play.
It’s several hours later, and the four are sitting in the New Galleria’s food court, sipping milkshakes, chatting animatedly.
Danielle: Mall’s gonna’ close soon.
Brian: [Mournfully] Yeah.
Colleen: I should probably call my parents to pick us up.
Lance: [Chivalrously] No need! We can give you a ride.
Colleen: You guys drove?
Lance: Yeah.
Danielle: You have your own car?
Lance: Yup. We took Brian’s tonight.
Danielle: [Impressed] Way cool.
Colleen: Well, then, we accept. Just give us a minute, while we go and powder our noses.
The two girls depart for the bathrooms.
Brian: You told them it was my car? Are you crazy?!
Lance: A little white lie.
Brian groans.
Lance: I’d say it was justified. Did you see how Danielle reacted?
Brian: And that’s another thing. What the hell are we gonna do with two girls in our car?
Lance: You mean, besides driving them home?
Brian: [Letting the implications of the “besides” sink in] Oh, God.
Lance: Just be cool, man. This is totally happening.
Brian: Oh God.
Lance: You said that already.
Brian sits speechless, his mouth open, with an air of panic.
Lance: Get that stupid look off of your face, they’re coming back.
Colleen and Danielle return to the table.
Colleen: We called our parents and everything’s cool. We told them my friend Yvette is giving us a ride.
Lance: [Rising from the table] Great! Let’s do it.
The four leave the Mall and walk through the parking lot, which by now is half empty. They arrive at the car, where Lance holds open the back door for the girls. Then, he settles into the passenger seat, next to Brian, who is gripping the wheel as if his life depended on it.
Lance: So, which way?
Colleen: You’ll have to get on the Freeway, East.
Brian: [Starts the car] Freeway. East. I can do that.
Colleen: There’s no need to rush, though.
Brian: There isn’t?
Colleen: I told my mom it might take us a while. Something about Danielle having to stop at the Kwik-Mart to get milk.
Brian doesn’t say anything. Gulps.
Danielle: This seating arrangement is all wrong.
Lance: [Grinning widely] I agree entirely.
Colleen: [To Lance] Why don’t you and Danielle switch places?
Brian looks like he is about to protest, but doesn’t get the chance, because Danielle climbs over the seat, squeezing herself between him and Lance. Then, Lance climbs into the back.
Colleen: Much better. [Snuggles up against Lance]
Brian looks in the rearview mirror to the back seat, where Colleen and Lance have started to make out.
Danielle: [Shimmies herself up against Brian. Whispers in his ear] Much, much better.
Brian gulps again.
February 24, 1:55pm, PST
Sunday afternoon, in the NRH studios. Kevin Reilly and Marty Savini are hosting their weekly program on local music acts. Joanne Genduso and Lee Lindberg are also in the studio, sorting through piles of tapes that are strewn around the floor. “Angel Witch” is blaring loudly from the studio monitors.
Kevin: You gotta’ find that tape, guys. The interview starts at the top of the hour.
Joanne: [Irritably] We’re looking!
Lee: It would help if the studio wasn’t so trashed. [Gestures helplessly at the pile of tapes] I mean, what the fuck?!
Kevin: [Growling slightly] Just find it. The song’s about to end. Marty, do you have what’s-his-face on the phone?
Marty: You mean “Lord Baphomet?” Yeah, he’s holding.
Joanne: [Incredulous] Lord Baphomet?!
Lee: It does seem kinda’ lame.
Kevin: [Coolly] He’s channeling King Diamond. Metal Militia is a retro-80s thrash band. Cool as shit.
Joanne: “Metal Militia”?!
Marty: Yeah, they’re freaking awesome. They do Mercyful Fate and early Slayer and Metallica covers.
Joanne: [Muttering] Never Been Laid Militia.
Kevin: Shhh! The song’s finishing up.
Lee: [Holding up a cassette triumphantly] Found it!
Kevin gestures vigorously to Lee who hands Marty the tape.
Kevin: [In his best radio DJs voice] That was Angel Witch, playing “Angel Witch,” from their 1980 debut album, Angel Witch.
Joanne: Definitely won’t forget that one.
Kevin: [Glares at her] And now for our weekly focus on local artists. We have Lord Baphomet from the band Metal Militia on the phone. Lord Baphomet, welcome to Metal Odyssey, on KNRH!
Lord Baphomet: Glad to be here, Kevin.
Kevin: We’ve got Marty Savini here in the studio as well, Lord Baphomet.
Lord Baphomet: ‘Sup.
Marty: Heya.
Kevin: It’s really great to speak with you. I caught your show down at the Roxy last week, and you guys killed it.
Lord Baphomet: Thanks, man! It was a good show.
Kevin: People may not know that you guys are Ridgemont natives.
Lord Baphomet: Born and bred. We all graduated from Central in 2002. Lord Beelzebub and Lord Asmodeus still live in Ridgemont. Lord Astaroth and I live in Laguna now.
Kevin: How long has Metal Militia been going?
Lord Baphomet: We actually started in high school. We were called “Blood Feast” back then.
Kevin: And what kind of stuff were you doing?
Lord Baphomet: Blood Feast was a horror-rock band. Alice Cooper, Sabbath, some KISS. We used to open with “God of Thunder.” It was a whole theatrical thing.
Kevin: Awesome! So, when did Blood Feast morph into Metal Militia?
Lord Baphomet: It didn’t. There were two other bands in between.
Kevin: And what were they?
Lord Baphomet: After Blood Feast dissolved, we formed High Society.
Kevin: Some kind of stoner rock band?
Lord Baphomet: [Laughing] No, nothing like that. It was all New Romantic: Duran Duran, Missing Persons, Culture Club…
Joanne: [Whispering to Lee] Did he say “Culture Club?”
Lee: [Whispering back] He did.
Kevin [Somewhat perplexed]: Well, that’s a little weird.
Lord Baphomet: We felt like we needed a change of direction.
Kevin: I’d say. But wasn’t it…y’know…odd?
Lord Baphomet: Wasn’t what odd?
Kevin: “Lord Baphomet sings Culture Club.”
Lord Baphomet: [Laughs] None of us were lords back then. We used different stage names.
Kevin: Ah.
Lord Baphomet: So, we did that for a year or two, and then we shifted gears again and put together Lords of the Manor.
Kevin: So that’s when the Lords thing started.
Lord Baphomet: No, ‘Lords’ was just part of the band name.
Kevin: But, this is when you went back to metal, right?
Lord Baphomet: No. Lords of the Manor was a sort of easy listing/folk sort of thing. We played a lot of Carpenters tunes.
Kevin: Carpenters?
Lord Baphomet: Carpenters.
Kevin: As in “Close to You” Carpenters?
Lord Baphomet: That’s the one!
Kevin: I guess this was another one of those “changes of direction?”
Lord Baphomet: Something like that. We were playing a lot of old age homes, and the whole makeup and Flock-of-Seagulls hair thing wasn’t going over too well.
Kevin: So, now we get to Metal Militia, right?
Lord Baphomet: Right!
Kevin: And what made you decide to go back to metal?
Lord Baphomet: Y’know, we were starting to feel a little bit like pussies.
Joanne: Who would have thought?
Kevin: [Signaling her to shut up] Entirely understandable.
Lord Baphomet: So, we decided that we should return to our roots.
Kevin: Good call.
Marty: So that’s when the Lords thing started?
Lord Baphomet: Yeah, we came up with the names, the stage show, the whole concept.
Kevin: Thrash metal.
Lord Baphomet: Yeah, but old school. When it was still heavily Venom and Mercyful Fate influenced. Devils and demons and upside down crosses and all that kind of stuff.
Marty: How’s the gigging been?
Lord Baphomet: Not that great actually, but then NRH opened and the whole area went retro. That’s when things really got rolling. No more old age homes!
Kevin: So, it’s the club circuit now.
Lord Baphomet: Well, not entirely.
Kevin: But you guys were at the Roxy. That’s where I saw you.
Lord Baphomet: Yeah, but that’s the first club show we’ve done as Metal Militia.
Kevin: So, where have you guys been gigging?
Lord Baphomet: High school gyms mostly. Oh, and some Bar-Mitzvahs.
At ‘Bar-Mitzvahs’, Marty gropes frantically for the mic, which he turns off, after which he explodes in a fit of laughter and coughing.
Kevin: [Slowly] And how does that go, exactly?
Lord Baphomet: Better than you’d think! With this 80s thing you guys have started, all this devil shi… — er, stuff — is totally in. They really like it when we do our Black Metal version of “Hava Nagila.”
Kevin: [Struggling] Still, it is a rather strange kind of gig, don’t you think?
Lord Baphomet: Hey, man, we gotta’ pay the bills. I mean, we all still have full-time jobs. It’s not like we can live off of Metal Militia. All the revenue that comes in goes straight back into the band.
Kevin: You guys are working full time, while recording and gigging, huh? Sounds intense. What do you do?
Lord Baphomet: Me? I’m a florist.
Kevin: A florist?
Lord Baphomet: At Freddie’s Flowers, downtown. I do all the floral arrangements and bouquets for special events – weddings, funerals…
Marty: [Who has turned his mic back on] Bar Mitzvahs…
Lord Baphomet: Those too.
Kevin: And what sorts of things are the other guys doing to make money?
Lord Baphomet: Let’s see. Beelzebub and Asmodeus own Adelstein’s on the square. You know, the stationary store? And Astaroth is a social worker in Reseda.
Kevin: Fascinating.
Lord Baphomet: Yup.
Kevin: [Rubbing his face vigorously] Well, it’s been great talking with you, Lord Baphomet. How about we get to the music?
Lord Baphomet: Awesome!
Kevin: Here’s Metal Militia, playing “Necrophiliac,” from Slayer’s 1985 album, Hell Awaits. [Queues the song, turns off the mic, and slides off his headphones.]
Lee: Kevin, man, what the fuck?!
Kevin: What?
Lee: Old age homes? The Carpenters? Social Workers? Florists?!
Kevin: How was I supposed to know? I just saw them at the Roxy and it was totally Metal.
Lee: Haven’t you ever heard of doing a little research?
Kevin: Research? How? There’s no internet, remember?
Lee: You don’t need the internet to find out if a band’s chief audience is a bunch of geriatrics and children. You could have asked them during the pre-show interview.
Kevin: Pre-show interview?
Lee: You know…the conversation you had with him before you decided to put him on the show.
Marty: We were supposed to do that?
Kevin: We definitely didn’t do one of those.
Lee: Oh my god.
Joanne: [Gleefully] Stacy and I are gonna’ kick your guys’ asses in this week’s listener numbers!
The phone rings and Lee answers it.
Lee: Hello? Yes, this is Metal Odyssey.
Joanne: Your audience is gonna’ tear you to pieces!
Lee: What’s that? [Three more lines light up] Could you please hold? [Presses a button] Hello, Metal Odyssey. Huh? You do? Yeah, could you please hold. [All the lines start blinking. Lee turns to the others] They love it. Everyone wants to talk to Lord Baphomet.
Joanne: What?!
Lee: Yeah, though they didn’t all get the names right. One girl said that she wants to talk to “Lord Carpenter,” and another one says she wants to join…[looks down at a note he had written while on the phone]…“Beelzy-Bubba’s Mile High Club.”
Joanne: Mile High Club? Isn’t that, like, people fucking on planes or something?
Lee: [Shaking his head, as the second phone’s lines start lighting up.] I don’t know…I just don’t know.
Kevin: [Looking at Joanne with a smug expression] Looks like we’re still Number One, baby!
Joanne: Mrrrngghmm!
Kevin and Marty [High-fiving each other]: Righteous!
